Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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