Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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