He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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