Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
