Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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