We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I smell like Dick and happiness
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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