There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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