I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
