i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
