Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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