Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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