my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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