did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
