In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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