can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
