did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Green mimosas i think yes
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Randomize
