it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
