he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
She made me pour olive oil on her.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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