I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
the room spins SO much faster in panama
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
