girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
