Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Someone came in the potted fern
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
