when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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