wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
