I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
