You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
