Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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