I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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