My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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