I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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