Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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