Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
