Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
