I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
