i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
