OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
