oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
