You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Floor bacon is actually really good
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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