I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
