i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
