The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
