Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
