the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
