i wish there were pregnant emoticons
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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