I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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