for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
