Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
