apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
