my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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