I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
