The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
