Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
