Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
