Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
