life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize