Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
