oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
