My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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