watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
